Raise your hand if you’ve ever had a loved one, friend, colleague, neighbor diagnosed with cancer or another life-altering medical condition. Yup, that’s most of us.



When illness strikes someone close to us, we may feel sad, angry, overwhelmed by fear. Sometimes we feel shocked. Guilty. Numb. {Fill in the blank}. And because we are human beings and that we care deeply, witnessing (or even imagining) the pain that comes with a loved one's medical condition can be paralyzing. 



What should I say? What can I do?



We try and figure out the perfect time to reach out to them. We think about the right thing to say, not wanting to add to their pain or sadness or fatigue. We research the appropriate food or gift or book to bring them. 



That same discomfort and fear of not knowing what to say or do can also resurface when our loved one receives difficult news, when they have to go into surgery, when their appearance starts to change, or when we realize that maybe they won’t get better or go back to who they were before. 



I want to offer a few ideas to reflect on that I hope will provide some guidance as well as the reassurance that you are not alone if you struggle with knowing what to say or do.

• If you’re paralyzed by the fear of saying the wrong thing, it’s very likely because you care about them and feel empathy for what they’re going through. You’re being a human being and experiencing very real, human emotions. 



• If a loved one or friend is dealing with a cancer diagnosis, I would bet that you are thinking about them. Let them know! 



• There is no such thing as a perfect line when it comes to providing comfort to a loved one. Just do it. It’s about being there, showing up, being willing to sit with your discomfort to provide space for your loved one and let them be seen, just the way they are. 

If you hold the expectation that you have to make their pain disappear, you will likely feel incompetent and inadequate. Instead, remind yourself that a more realistic goal can be to provide support to your loved one and make them feel cared for and seen as they navigate this challenging time.

As I mentioned a few paragraphs ago, there is no such thing as a perfect thing to say in response to a loved one’s illness. But there are certainly some statements that may be perceived as upsetting. Below are just a few examples that many people leaving with a medical condition have reported as unhelpful (although they may help some, and it’s okay too!): 



• “You’re going to be okay”
  
• “Just think positive thoughts” or “You have to stay positive”
  
• “At least it’s not {xyz}”
  
• “You have to look at the silver lining”
• “Look at the bright side”

• “Everything happens for a reason”

This may or may not be true! And it’s also often not the way your loved one may be seeing this situation. They may very well be feeling angry and sad as they grieve the many losses that come with a medical condition.

• “I don’t know how you do it” or “You’re so strong” 

Many clients I’ve worked with over the years have taken issue with this statement. "What other choice to I have?!", "This is not how I feel at all."



• “I have an aunt who died of cancer”

Nope. This is the very last thing your loved one wants to hear about.



• “You should try this diet; I’ve heard it can help with {symptoms/illness}”

Unless they ask for advice, it’s generally a good idea to not offer any. And if you think it might be helpful information, ask them first if it’s okay for you to share it.



If you feel guilty for saying some of these things in the past, you are not alone. And kudos to you for being willing to learn new ways to support your loved one! And if you now feel even more confused about what’s appropriate to say, read on! 



I’ll repeat myself again first by saying that there’s no perfect string of words you can say. But as a rule of thumb, it’s helpful to use words that convey empathy and validate the difficult reality of your loved one’s disease. 



In the words of Kelsey Crowe and Emily McDowell (I can’t recommend their book enough, check it out: There is no good card for this):



“Your job is to hear, not to fix someone’s worry.” And I would add that it’s also not your job to fix their pain/suffering/illness. 



Other ways to show support and empathy are to listen, ask questions and monitor their responses, let them tell you as much or as little as they want/need, show compassion. Be the awesome human being they’ve gotten to like over the years!



And show some compassion for yourself as well.



Having a loved one diagnosed with cancer or chronic illness can bring forth difficult emotions for you (hey, you’re a human being too!). Show yourself some kindness. Take care of yourself. Seek your own support if you need to.



I am Dr. Aurelie Lucette, a clinical health psychologist who provides individual therapy in Miami and online throughout the state of Florida. I can help with issues related to anxiety, stress, sleep, and depression. I also specialize in therapy for adults living with cancer , chronic illness, chronic pain, caregiving stress.