• “If I push myself enough my life can remain as it was before my cancer/chronic illness diagnosis”
• “I had to cut short my yoga class. That was a complete waste.”
• “I need to figure out the perfect diet and stick to it every single day to help me control my symptoms.”
• “I can’t let negative emotions ever ruin my day. I have to stay positive.”



If that sounds like you most of the time, it’s likely that you are prone to perfectionism! 

Perfectionism is often characterized by setting unrealistically high expectations for yourself and striving for flawless outcomes. If you were like this before your diagnosis, it’s likely that these tendencies have followed you after you were diagnosed and may be impacting your life right now.



Perfectionism can look like:

• Spending day after day researching the best food to eat and worrying endlessly about not having the right diet, no matter how stringent your meal plan becomes.
• Repeatedly beating yourself up when you fall short of your expectations.
• Pushing yourself relentlessly (and often to the point of exhaustion) to prove to yourself, your family, your boss that you are still the same person and/or that you can remain as productive/social/athletic as you were before your diagnosis.
• Beating yourself up for missing one yoga class despite a 100% attendance the rest of the year. 
• Procrastination. Because you like to know everything there is to know and learn about a new activity or project before committing to it, and you want to know that you will be able to execute it perfectly before getting started!



And perfectionism can sneak into every aspect of your life, dictating the way you engage in self-care, the way you eat, sleep, think, relate to other people, etc.  

Perfectionism is downright exhausting… and it can impact your mental and physical health. 



Perfectionism can cause feelings of anxiety and worry, as well as feelings of overwhelm, as you find yourself going down the rabbit whole of figuring out the perfect way of doing something. And when you can’t find it (*breaking news*, there’s no such thing as perfect), it feels like a failure and causes further emotional distress.

Perfectionism has been linked to greater symptoms of anxiety, insomnia, and depression in cancer patients. It’s also been associated with more physical symptoms in those with chronic illness such as chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, and irritable bowel diseases such as Crohn’s. 



Perfectionism also takes away from being in the here and now and enjoying life as it unfolds. It keeps you focused on the outcome and can get in the way of enjoying being in the moment with your loved ones or with yourself. 



4 ideas to start letting go of perfectionism 

1.     Challenge your perfectionist thoughts

As you become aware of perfectionist thoughts your mind is feeding you day after day, gently push back and come up with alternative, more helpful statements (and find more examples here).

• “If I push myself enough, my life can remain as it was before the diagnosis” becomes “This diagnosis is now part of my life, I don’t like it, but I need to adjust the way I do things.”
• “I need to figure out the perfect diet that will help control my symptoms” becomes “I’m going to make gradual changes to my diet as recommended by my team, I’ll do my best, and it’s okay.”

2.     Practice doing things that are “good enough”



It may help to set some limits surrounding certain behaviors. Limit yourself to proofreading an article or report you wrote only once before submitting it. You can also set a timer to limit the amount of research you do on a project for instance.  You may also challenge yourself by deliberately stopping working on a project before you see it as “perfect” or skipping one exercise class. As you practice being "good enough", notice how it feels.

3.     Set realistic goals



Practice setting up goals that are realistic and flexible to accommodate the ever-changing demands of your diagnosis. Setting SMART goals is a good practice!



SMART goals are:



Specific: Identify a behavior or action that will be taken

Measurable: The behavior has to be quantifiable

Achievable: Plan for something you can complete with available resources (equipment, time, energy levels, etc)

Relevant: The goal should be meaningful to you

Time-based: You should state a time frame for this goal

For example: “I will exercise” is fairly vague. Using the SMART rules listed above, you could further define your goal as follows: “I will practice chair yoga for 20 minutes on M/W/F before breakfast.”

4.     Develop self-compassion



Be gentle with yourself. Be kind! You will experience discomfort and disappointment. You’ll be scared at times, angry, sad. Practice meeting your inner critic with compassion and kindness. Notice the pain and hurt, and meet them with loving kindness. Here are some great self-compassion exercises by Kristen Neff, a researcher and expert on self-compassion!





I am Dr. Aurelie Lucette, a clinical health psychologist who provides individual therapy in Miami and online throughout the state of Florida. I can help with issues related to anxiety, stress, sleep, and depression. I also specialize in therapy for adults living with cancer , chronic illness, chronic pain, caregiving stress.